I can’t believe that I have only a few months left in
Swaziland. It feels like just yesterday I was packing my bag getting ready to
go. Now I am trying to make those “what’s next decisions”. I’ve honestly fallen
in love with this place and don’t think I am anywhere near ready to leave; then
on the other hand, I think “ok… I’m 26, it’s time for me see more before I get
to old.” I think of my options back home: the possible job opportunities,
grad-school, and my lifelong commitments. Sometimes I think I am ready to
settle down, and then there are those days when I have an idea of how I want my
future to turn out, and the idea of being rooted down in one place doesn’t
quite fit. All things considered, even though it is my life, I feel like I have
been too selfish sometimes, and I am ignoring the needs of those around me. Yet,
in the grand scheme of things, don’t I have to ultimately do what is best for
me? This is where my dilemma lies.
I’ve already been invited several times by my superiors to
extend my service and stay a 3rd year in Swaziland. I know if I did
stay that it wouldn’t be a waste of time. I would actually be getting a lot of
work done, and may even see several more of my projects be fulfilled. Life in
Swaziland is good, despite some criticism and ignorance I face there, the
people are friendly and overall, the way of life is easy. It’s not nearly as
stressful as America.
Ohhh America… How I miss you. I often spend my free time
missing the finer things in life. I wish I could take some of those nice
amenities back to Swaziland with me. I also miss the relationships that I have
at home. In Swaziland, I am always surrounded by people, but at the end of the
day, I feel alone. I don’t have that connection and understanding of being a
part of my culture. It would be a weight off my shoulder to be back in the
place where “I get it”. Everyone in Swaziland says I’m a Swazi now and that
I’ll never go back. I’ve integrated very well, but what’s the point if I’m
doing it alone?
So these are the current decisions I am facing. While I am
home in America for the next 3 weeks, I will be taking all of this into
consideration and try to actually give an answer to those who have been waiting
for it. I wish I could have my cake and eat it too.